


Reduced to a Spectator

by KellyLiz



Category: Lizzie Bennet Diaries
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-05-29
Updated: 2013-05-29
Packaged: 2017-12-13 07:33:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,147
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/821663
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KellyLiz/pseuds/KellyLiz
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Darcy's thoughts when he watches Lizzie's vlogs for the first time. This does not stand alone; it will only make sense to viewers of The Lizzie Bennet Diaries.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Reduced to a Spectator

**Author's Note:**

> The first 60 videos were watched by Darcy over a three day period after episode 60. The LBD fans love to imagine what Darcy would have been thinking when he first saw Lizzie’s vlogs. He would have felt so many emotions, yet he worked his way through them and managed to write Lizzie a letter that explained his side and started the vast change in her feelings towards him. One of the appeals of Darcy’s character is that he took Lizzie’s toughest criticism on the chin, reflected on his behavior, and changed. He never gave up, even when it seemed he didn’t have much hope.
> 
> This is my take on Darcy’s reactions to each video. They are short; Darcy was a man of few words. Even with the strength of his emotions and feelings, Darcy is careful and repressed in expressing himself. He doesn’t swear and he downplays some comments with veiled sarcasm. He swings between anger, frustration, bitterness, jealousy, defensiveness, disappointment, admiration, desire and love. His Notes To Lizzie (NTL) are when he wants to directly answer to a comment she made in the video. Some of the comments might be hard to follow unless you remember the episode really well!

**First 60 Vlogs watched Nov. 2-4, 2012**

Ep. 1 - 3  
Lizzie is intelligent, funny and irresistible. She’s an amazing storyteller. Watching her and knowing now how she feels about me really cuts deep.

Ep. 4  
 _Note To Lizzie: My sexual orientation is not ambiguous in the least. Try me._

I don’t know what the chubby Zellweger movie Lydia is referring to, but I did enjoy Colin Firth’s performance in “The King’s Speech”.

Ep. 5  
I enjoyed the view at the beginning of this video too.

Lizzie is so creative. Her impression of Jane made me laugh and that doesn’t happen much. Jane really does seem scarily similar to Bing.

Ep. 6  
Uh oh. This does not bode well for me.

_NTL: Briefs, not boxers. I’m okay with you imagining me in either._

Lizzie’s impression of me—I’m both amused and aghast. 

Ep. 7  
That is what she was referring to when she said I only thought she was “decent enough”. I forgot about that offhand comment I made to get Bing off my back—and Lizzie overheard it. I’m an imbecile. 

This is painful to watch.

Ep. 8  
I like Charlotte’s editing--or lack of in this case. 

Is Lizzie mad at me for not socializing, or just because I’m really bad at it?

Q&A #1  
 _NTL: Qualities you want in a husband: check, check, check and check._

Ep. 10  
Lizzie can read Jane’s eyes. These sisters are close. 

Lizzie already had made up her mind about me, after just a short amount of time spent with me. And she complains that I am opinionated.

Ep. 11  
Some vindication from Charlotte. Jane’s feelings **are** difficult to read.

Ep. 12  
Tall? It isn’t just Lizzie who is unimpressed with me.

Statler and Waldorf? Aren’t they the unpleasant muppets who stand back and criticize everyone? Hmm, Lizzie has a point.

Ep. 14  
Was I the only one who loved watching Lizzie play Just Dance? Lizzie is adorable.

Ep. 15  
I did not realize I was so obvious to Charlotte and Jane. They seem to have figured out how hard I was falling for Lizzie before I admitted it to myself.

I was trying to keep away from Lizzie so she wouldn’t think I was interested in her. Little did I know how oblivious she was towards my feelings anyway.

Ep. 16  
 _NTL: I said that. Or something pretty close. Your amazing eyes are what first attracted me to you._

Watching these videos is very difficult. Seeing Lizzie makes me want her more than ever. But every time she talks about me, my stomach sinks. Will she ever see me for who I am? Would she look at me differently if she knew what really happened with me and Wickham? Did I ruin any chance I had to be with her? The questions run so deep. I never imagined how strong my feelings would be when I fell in love. I know this sounds absurd, but it’s much more painful than advertised.

Ep. 17  
I don’t like where this is going. Lizzie hanging out with swimmers at a bar trying to protect her sister.

_NTL: I have to say, I would like to see you in that top. In private._

Ep. 18  
Lizzie doesn’t know what Wickham is like. This is torture. 

I didn’t realize Jane saw me walk by Lizzie’s house. I am not stalking Lizzie. Really.

Ep. 19  
I so desperately want to see Lizzie first thing in the morning when she wakes up.

I felt terrible when Lizzie explained how her parents were struggling to keep their house. I forgot how difficult it can be for many people to stay afloat these days, and I had the audacity to judge them for their financial difficulties.

Ep. 21  
 _NTL: Seriously, you snore? I bet you even make that endearing._

I admire Lizzie’s ideals. And I’m picky too.

Ep. 22  
According to Lizzie, I lurk a lot. I was unaware.

Ep. 23  
 _NTL: Yes, Lizzie, only the deepest love should lead to marriage. What if the deepest love is only felt by one of us?_

I’m beginning to appreciate Lydia more. These videos show a different side to her than when she is at Carter’s or parties.

Ep. 24  
 _NTL: I’m not the only one who felt your mother was trying to rush Jane and Bing together too quickly._

Ep. 25  
At least Lizzie is straightforward and brutally honest with others besides me. 

Ep. 26  
I could not stop myself from being happy when I heard Lizzie would be staying at Netherfield. At first I thought I could keep my distance from Lizzie. That didn’t happen. I was still in denial about my feelings for her.

Ep. 27  
Caroline knew this long ago about Lizzie’s videos? What is Caroline up to here? It would have helped, not hindered, Bing and Jane’s relationship to have Bing see the videos. And it would have helped me understand what I was doing wrong with Lizzie.

Ep. 28  
Lizzie was right about Jane’s feelings being much stronger for Bing than I thought. Perhaps I should not have meddled in this.

Ep. 29  
 _NTL: I don’t believe you understand me at all, Lizzie. How can we get back on the right track?_

Ep. 30  
 _NTL: I did not mean to bother you by always running into you. I couldn’t help myself; I am inexplicably drawn to you._

Caroline seems to be enjoying watching Lizzie complain about me, yet she was criticizing Lizzie and Lizzie’s family in private to me at this same time. 

How did Lizzie remember that entire list? I can’t complain that she doesn’t listen to me.

Ep. 31  
Did Lizzie actually say something somewhat positive about me? This is a first.

The wine tasting trip felt flat and boring without Lizzie. Caroline tried to converse with me all afternoon, but I just found myself watching Bing fawn over Jane and wishing I could do the same to Lizzie.

_NTL: I did not mean to stare at you so often. But you have one part right: I just can’t look away. It’s a mystery to me how you are able to, in your words, rock my world just by being in the same room._

Ep. 32  
Why is Caroline badgering Lizzie to rant about me? Caroline clearly does not have my back. I know Caroline wanted to be more than friends with me, but was she really trying to sabotage my chances with Lizzie?

_NTL: Lizzie, watch your videos. You’ll see how you intentionally misunderstand people to suit your own prejudices.  
I’m starting to think you’d do very well without Caroline. _

Q&A# 3  
 _NTL: I’m pretty sure your feelings toward me can only go up from here also._

Ep. 33  
 _NTL: The pot is calling the kettle black. Lizzie, when are you ever not mocking me?_

It seems everyone but Lizzie could see my feelings for her. It’s just agonizing that she feels so differently towards me.

Ep. 34  
I was so despondent when Lizzie left Netherfield, but also relieved. I thought that our backgrounds were too different for us to be together and it was harder and harder to be around her. It’s ironic that I thought I needed to be careful not to give her the wrong signals when I was the one who had been misinterpreting her signals.

Ep. 35  
Jane does not look as happy to be home from Netherfield as Lizzie. 

I know by now that Lizzie likes to exaggerate when her feelings are strong.

Ep. 36  
It’s more fun watching Lizzie get worked up and angry with someone else other than me, for a change.

Ep. 37  
Whoa. Lydia is much more perceptive than I gave her credit for. By her tone I’m guessing she would like to slap me back at least a couple of centuries in time. 

Feisty is a very good description of Lizzie. 

Bing would certainly enjoy that last costume theater Lydia presented.

Ep. 38  
Oh no. When will Wickham be out the lives of everyone I care about? It is so hard not to throw my laptop across the room whenever Lizzie gushes about him.

Ep. 39  
 _NTL: I’m still thinking fondly of your visit at Netherfield also._

Lizzie just gave Mr. Collins his comeuppance. But for the first time, I feel some sympathy for Mr. Collins. I know what it’s like to be rejected by Lizzie.

Ep. 40  
Lizzie is more upset than she lets on at how critical her mother is of her decisions. I admire how Lizzie sticks to her standards despite the familial pressure.

Q&A #4  
 _NTL: Let’s not have any cameras rolling if I’m in your bedroom._

Ep. 41  
Mr. Collins has more in common with me than I thought. I visited Collins & Collins to woo Lizzie under a false pretext also. And I also insinuated she was not good enough and it would be a grand gesture on my part to be with her. These videos are showing me some harsh reflections of myself.

Ep. 42  
Another tough video to watch. I hate seeing Lizzie hurt.

Ep. 43  
Why does Wickham have to keep showing up? This is excruciating. I have to stop watching for awhile to calm down.

Ep. 44  
 _NTL: Can you see why I thought Jane was interested in the other men at the bar? Even you teased her about her friendly behavior towards them._

There is a deep, dark back story there. I wish Lizzie had found out the true story before the Wickham version.

Ep. 45  
 _NTL: Lizzie, it hurts that you believe every story that is negative about me. And did you notice that Wickham immediately told the hypothetical story after claiming he did not want to sully names?_

Ep. 46  
I pride myself on my self-control, but watching Lizzie flirt with Wickham is almost too much to bear. 

_NTL: Appearances can be deceiving. Quite a Freudian slip Wickham made about having “people to do”. Are you sure you haven’t mixed up who is tragically misunderstood and who is unpleasant?_

Q&A #5  
 _NTL: I was pretty direct when I finally approached you. Did not help._

Ep. 47  
 _NTL: How would I have forced Wickham not to show up? You really only see what you want to here, Lizzie._

Lizzie has said how close she and Jane are, and yet Jane didn’t mention what happened with Bing’s college friend at Bing’s party. I’m confused. Is there something else going on here I don’t know about?

Ep. 48  
This makes it real, Jane’s pain from Bing leaving. I am questioning my part in this situation.

Ep. 49  
This is the first time Wickham acting like a jerk makes me happy. At least he’s away from Lizzie now.

Ep. 50  
Relieved that Lizzie is not upset about her breakup with Wickham. And I’m relieved that she and Charlotte talked. I know how much Charlotte means to Lizzie.

Ep. 51  
It’s nice to see Lizzie upbeat and happy again. And single. 

Ep. 52  
Time for Lizzie to meet Aunt Catherine. I can just imagine how this will go over.

Ep. 54  
Do I come across as snobbish as my Aunt Catherine? If she said or insinuated even a small portion of what Lizzie depicted, it was awful.

Ep. 55  
I don’t appreciate being called a robot by Lizzie. Am I that stiff? These videos are agonizing to watch, but I cannot stop.

Ep. 56  
Agoraphobic lobster? Thanks a lot, Fitz.

Ep. 57  
Lizzie’s fictional comment attributed to me that Bing wouldn’t consort with rabble such as her and her family is scarily close to what I told her when I confessed that I love her. I cannot believe how awful I was to her.

_NTL: You are definitely way past “starting” to get to me, Lizzie. I had planned to tell you my feelings, but I was too nervous._

Ep. 58  
Fitz! Stop Talking!  
Something tells me I won’t be able to dodge that metaphorical bullet.

Ep. 59  
Lizzie is spitting fire. It doesn’t help that I know what’s coming. Is it possible for her to hate me that much? How could I have been such an idiot to destroy any chance of being with her, a woman I love more than I could have imagined?

Ep. 60  
Lizzie called it. Worst possible timing ever. I was so anxious to finally tell her the truth about my feelings, I just blurted it out in the most awful way. I insulted her family, told her she was beneath me due to her social status, and questioned my judgment in loving her. Even if she hadn’t hated me already, this confession would have done it.

This is almost as unbearable to watch as it was when it occurred. I was enraged at her quick dismissal of my suit, but now I can understand why she was so incensed. 

 

**These videos were avidly watched by Darcy as they were posted—even the ones he was a part of.**

Ep. 61 - Nov. 5, 2012  
Since I left Lizzie at Collins & Collins, I’m now following Lizzie on Twitter and find myself eagerly waiting for her next video posting. I’m reduced to a spectator in the life of the woman I love.

Ep. 62 – Nov. 8, 2012  
Encouraging—Lizzie seemed surprised at what she had learned from my letter. And she even said she was too harsh on me. Now, she seems to understand what Wickham’s really like.

_NTL: If we were together, nothing and no one could part me from you, Lizzie. Maybe that’s why it’s hard for me to believe Bing cared as much about Jane._

Ep. 63 – Nov. 12, 2012  
Caroline seemed so duplicitous when talking to Lizzie. I had not regarded her that way. Was she just afraid my letter would show that she also influenced Bing into leaving Jane? If so, Caroline underestimates me. I always take responsibility for what I do—even if I made a mistake.

Ep. 64 – Nov. 15, 2012  
When Caroline told Lizzie how she regarded Lizzie’s family, I realized how terrible I sounded about Lizzie’s family when I confessed to Lizzie that I love her. I need to think more on this.

I’m afraid this video spoke volumes about Caroline’s character.

Ep. 65 – Nov. 19, 2012  
 _NTL: I appreciate the welcome. I’ve joined the legions of Lizzie Bennet fans._

\--I heard a song playing on a radio in the office that Lizzie had once sung to herself when we were at Netherfield. The memory hit me like a blow. I think I am handling this tolerably well and then something like this occurs.

Ep. 67 – Nov. 26, 2012  
At least Lizzie has no intention now of ever being with Wickham. That is a huge relief though my stomach still churns at the thought of him ever even being in the same room as Lizzie.

Ep. 68- Nov. 29, 2012  
 _NTL: Hypothetical redemption! So glad the letter has enlightened you, Lizzie._

Thanksgiving was not as pleasant for me as it was for Lizzie. I feel strange around Caroline now that I know more about her. She seemed a bit wary around me also. I can’t talk to Gigi about Lizzie yet, but Gigi senses that something has happened to me. And I don’t want to tell Bing about Lizzie’s vlog, so I felt uncomfortable with him also. Fitz and I are not discussing Lizzie. Fitz is trying to be considerate to me by not bringing it up.

Ep. 69 – Dec. 3, 2012  
I can’t argue with Lydia about not wanting us around. Caroline, Bing and I have all either insulted, manipulated or hurt the Bennet sisters in some way.

I missed seeing Lizzie in this video. I look forward to seeing her, even though it’s just on the internet.

Ep. 70 – Dec. 6, 2012  
 _NTL: Also, being busy doesn’t cancel out my missing you, Lizzie._

I appreciate that Jane doesn’t blame me for Bing leaving her. But I do feel culpable to some extent now.

Ep. 72 – Dec. 13, 2012  
 _NTL: You look so beautiful, Lizzie. I cannot believe I ever said you were decent enough._

I want to smash in Wickham’s face for the grope hug he gave Lizzie. I’m so enraged. But then Lizzie defended me to Wickham. Ecstatic.

Ep. 73 – Dec. 17, 2012  
I wish I could help Lizzie. I feel I’m partially responsible for Lydia becoming so upset with Lizzie, because of the way I talked about Lydia. I cannot think of it without abhorrence.

Ep. 74 – Dec. 20, 2012  
 _NTL: I know how it feels to try and protect your little sister when she doesn’t want you to. I wish I could be there for you._

Ep. 75 – Dec. 24, 2012  
 _NTL: It’s hard being away from someone you love at Christmas._

Dec. 25, 2012  
I told Gigi over the holidays about Lizzie. Gigi was surprised, first that I’d fallen in love, and second, that it was not reciprocated. She’s curious about it now and plans to watch all of Lizzie’s videos. I warned her to brace herself.

Ep. 76 – Dec. 27, 2012  
 _NTL: My deepest hope is that you’ll find where you are supposed to be is with me. It’s doubtful I’ll ever get another chance to woo you._

Ep. 77 – Jan. 7, 2013  
I’ve never signed a document as quickly as the one to allow Lizzie access to shadow Pemberly. But while she is here, I am determined to leave her alone. I don’t want her feeling as she did at Collins & Collins. 

Fitz—pay attention. Gigi is a much better wingman than you were.

Ep. 78 – Jan. 10, 2013  
Self-conscious when Gigi orchestrated that run-in with Lizzie. I meant to keep out of Lizzie’s way so she won’t feel uncomfortable while at Pemberly. But it was so amazing to see her again. She acted…. differently towards me. Gigi believes Lizzie’s last several videos show her feelings have changed. I don’t trust my judgment when it comes to Lizzie, I care too much to be objective. But she did touch my arm, awkwardly, which was very sweet. Now that the ice has been broken, I want to show Lizzie I’m a better person than her past perceptions. 

I’ll have to remember to thank Gigi.

Ep. 79 – Jan. 14, 2013  
 _NTL: That was a bit enigmatic for Bing, Lizzie. He doesn’t know what to think about Jane, but I can tell he misses her. I am staying out of his affairs now._

Ep. 80 – Jan. 17, 2013  
 _NTL: I really am a fan of your work, Lizzie. Your vlogs are creative, humorous, insightful and touching._

Lizzie and I cleared the air a bit about the Jane-Bing fiasco. I almost felt that Lizzie was thinking about more than just Bing when she asked me if I thought his feelings had changed. Or is that just wishful thinking on my part?

Ep. 81 – Jan. 21, 2013  
Lizzie didn’t realize how nervous I am around her? I thought it was obvious by how awkward I am.

Bing’s not much of a wingman either. Just what I need, more reminders of how awful I was the first time I danced with Lizzie. Though he’s a much better wingman than I was to him.

Gigi and Bing tried to gloss over how much wealthier we are than Lizzie. They are much more tactful than I was. I’m ashamed at how I threw that in Lizzie’s face last fall. 

I suspect Lizzie’s vlog will have another viewer starting today.

Ep. 82 – Jan. 24, 2013  
I’m proud of Gigi. I would not have advised her to publicly talk about Wickham, but it seems to have empowered her.

I’m so happy how well Gigi and Lizzie get along. They are the most important people in my life.

\--Sightseeing with Lizzie and Gigi could not have gone better. We talked non-stop for hours. I did not realize my feelings for Lizzie could grow even stronger. The only hard part was keeping my hands off Lizzie. Just a smile from her makes my heart soar. 

Ep. 83 – Jan. 28, 2013  
Best interview I’ve ever had, bar none. Lizzie’s laugh made my day. 

Lizzie set her hand on my shoulder….I believe I should try again with Lizzie.

Ep. 84 – Jan. 31, 2013  
It was so difficult to see Lizzie so upset. I can imagine what she’s going through. It would kill me if Gigi were in this predicament. I hated to send Lizzie home alone, but it’s where she needs to be now.

I will fix this, no matter what it takes.

Ep. 85 – Feb. 4, 2013  
This just keeps getting worse. I’ve never seen this vulnerable side of Lydia. I can’t stand seeing Lizzie so dejected. Fitz and I are chasing down every lead we have on Wickham, but nothing yet.

Ep. 86 - Feb. 7, 2013  
I love how the Bennet sisters drop everything for each other when needed. They truly are an amazing family.

Ep. 87 – Feb. 11, 2013  
 _NTL: Lizzie, Wickham is using Lydia to get back at me. He knows how much I care about you. This is not your fault._

I cannot bear to think about what Lydia is going through. Her heart is broken, Lizzie feels useless and guilty, and Wickham still eludes me. But it’s not over. We have a few more days.

Ep. 88 – Feb. 14, 2013  
It felt so good to take that site down. I’m relieved Lizzie and Lydia have talked and connected.

_NTL: Happy Valentine’s Day, Lizzie. I’d do anything for you. But I don’t want you to feel beholden to me._

Ep. 89 – Feb. 18, 2013  
 _NTL: Lizzie, I am full of pent-up energy also. But I know where I’d like to put it._

Pemberly Digital was “nice”? What did that look mean? Lizzie is driving me crazy with her cryptic statements.

Ep. 90 – Feb. 21, 2013  
Lizzie is fiercely protective of Jane. Bing was served, deservedly. But I feel bad for him. He never should have listened to me. 

Ep. 91 – Feb. 25, 2013  
Is Lizzie asking some of her own what ifs? If so, I wish she would ask me.

Ep. 92 – Feb. 28, 2013  
I am really happy for Bing, but envious at the same time. He gets to be with Jane. How does Lizzie feel about me? Why doesn’t she talk about me anymore on her videos?

Ep. 93 - March 4, 2013  
Thank you, Charlotte. For bringing up the chemistry, heat and tension that Lizzie will not talk about.

_NTL: Have your feelings changed, Lizzie?_

Ep. 94 – March 7, 2013  
 _NTL: Lydia pegged it. I couldn’t stand to see you hurt and would do anything to stop it, Lizzie._

I’m sorry also that I didn’t get to know Lydia before judging her. It’s good to see she is healing.

Ep. 95 – March 11, 2013  
I’m appalled that Caroline manipulated me into believing Jane was kissing another man of her own volition at Bing’s birthday party. I cannot believe I was duped into telling my best friend Bing a lie, a lie that helped separate him from the woman he loved. I let him down.

Lizzie was more gracious to Caroline than she deserved.

What Lizzie said—it gives me hope.

_NTL: If only you had tried to seduce me at Pemberly…_

Ep. 96 – March 14, 2013  
Imaginary Charlotte is very wise.

_NTL: There are no inequality issues between us that matter, Lizzie. I was a moron before._

Ep. 97 – March 18, 2013  
I’m grateful for Charlotte’s directness. It’s a good thing I was already on my way to Lizzie before this video was posted. Lizzie’s sadness would have crushed me.

_NTL: Lizzie, how could you ever think I wouldn’t want anything to do with you?_

Ep. 98 – March 21, 2013  
Spending every available minute with Lizzie. Our relationship is beyond my highest expectations. Lizzie fills a void in me I didn’t realize existed. 

I’m keeping this tie forever.

Q&A #10  
Immense happiness and relief from one “yes” answer. If only I had known Lizzie cared two months ago. I had to end the video abruptly. I had other plans for Lizzie.

Ep. 99 – March 25, 2013  
I always loved how expressive Lizzie is. It’s even better now that she expresses her affection to me. Lizzie refused to take the easy route by working with me at Pemberly. I am disappointed she won’t be at my company, but I understand not wanting to be perceived as getting special treatment because she’s my girlfriend. She is amazing.

Ep. 100 – March 28, 2013  
I count down the days until the weekend when I can be with Lizzie. Her move to San Francisco cannot come soon enough.

_NTL: I love you. I’ll never stop showing you. And as your biggest fan, thank you for making these videos._


End file.
